A Taxonomy of Gunners
Law school is a battlefield. If you didn’t know that, you’ve probably already lost. If you’re going to survive (and win), you’d better know who you’re fighting with and against. Of course, as with biology, there are surely species yet to be documented. It’s a big world out there.
Participants in Socratic combat fall into two general categories: mercenaries and soldiers. Mercenaries are out for number 1. Mercenaries are soldiers without a cause save clerkships, recommendations and sweet jobs. Soldiers fight for something else too– learning, first and foremost, or the common good. The lines can blur, and combatants can change sides. But the Garden Variety Gunner (GVG) and Machine Gunner are almost always mercenaries ’til the end (the Nerf Gunner is just kind of cute in his naivete). For everyone’s good, please be a soldier.
The Garden-Variety Gunner (GVG)
You know who they are. No class is complete without the GVG taking a shot. Reliable as a Sig Sauer P226, the GVG is going to make his point or ask that question. GVGs may be expert sharpshooters tolerated for their accuracy, or pathetic shots mocked behind their backs. At the end of class, the GVG shifts to melee combat, rushing the podium to relate how that last case is just like one from the Queen’s Bench in 1869.
The Machine Gunner
The typical Machine Gunner has one goal: clerking on the Supreme Court. Anything or anyone standing in the Machine Gunner’s way probably will suffer from the encounter. He comes out with guns blazing, spraying hypos and triple-barreled questions without remorse. Like the honey badger, the Machine Gunner really doesn’t give a shit. He takes what he wants and leaves everyone else to pick up the scraps. He has no regard for any other student. The Machine Gunner is fine with missing sometimes: they’ve ammo to spare, gathered painstakingly in long hours on Westlaw or the “recommended” reading. The Machine Gunner’s probably that guy who erased your name on the Google Spreadsheet for professor dinners and typed in his own. He might be a perfectly nice person outside the law school. But he still sucks.
The Nerf Gunner
The Nerf Gunner tries his very best to gun. But unlike the GVG or Machine Gunner, he’s not even using real ammo. His questions might not even be on the same case the professor’s talking about. “Oh, we moved on from that an hour ago?…Sorry.” It’s hard to be annoyed by the Nerf Gunner’s repeated attempts: they’re cute and harmless, because he’s really trying to do his best.
The Sniper
The Sniper lies in wait for weeks or months, biding her time, camouflaged in anonymity. The expert Sniper strikes without warning, stunning the professor and class with her brilliantly incisive comment, eliciting a stammering “Wait-wait- what was your name again?” Those present for the Sniper’s shot may find their perspectives on the world forever changed. The Sniper smiles modestly and sneaks off, waiting for her next target. A Sniper who misses her shot, however, may panic and flee, never to be seen again.
Sniper Sub-Type: The Camper
The Camper waits anxiously for his perfect scenario to unfold, without knowing what that is. The indecisive Camper may find himself at the end of the semester with a full belt of ammunition and a hollow feeling of disappointment. A Camper about to strike but preempted by another– perhaps an over-eager machine gunner– may find himself jaded, left to drown his sorrows in cheap beer and indolent Facebook wandering.
Sniper Sub-Type: The Professional
The Professional picks his prey early on and waits all semester for it to appear. Class action? Affirmative action? They’ve assembled a dossier, chosen a vantage point, and simulated their attack. Grutter v. Bollinger didn’t know what hit it.
The Assassin
You probably don’t know who the Assassin is. That is, until they’re clerking for Ginsburg and you realize they’ve been operating in silence for years. Unlike the Sniper, the Assassin doesn’t operate in the open. The Assassin chooses a different arena: professors’ office hours. While you’re screwing around on Facebook, the Assassin’s making besties with legal experts. She’s probably chatting over froyo with Justice Breyer’s best friend right now.
The Trick Shooter
Host a show on CNN? Parent their kids? Win a Pulitzer Prize during 1L year? It’s all in a day’s work for the modest and hard-working Trick Shooter. She’ll do her thing, make a good point in class, and act like it’s no big deal. The Trick Shooter’s not out for blood: everyone wins when the Trick Shooter performs. You probably wish you were a trick shooter. (I do.)
The Insurgent
The Insurgent has a bone to pick. What do you mean, we can use the Coase Theorem to understand this? The Insurgent probably disagrees with the very premise for the discussion. The Insurgent has a different aim than most of the other combatants: he’s here to make a point about the world. He’s a freedom fighter against law and economics, originalism and everything Antonin Scalia stands for. The Insurgent strikes with venom, lobbing questions that aren’t really questions so much as veiled attacks on legal philosophies.
The Under-the-Gunner
The Under-the-Gunner can’t operate without a deadline pressing in. The Under-the-Gunner only succeeds under the Sword of Damocles of due dates hanging overhead, or the knowledge that they’re on call that day. The Under-the-Gunner has to be called to the fight.
The Conscientious Objector
The Conscientious Objector refuses to fight in the first place. She might disagree with the whole structure of black-letter law, the case method or the Socratic style. Or, she might simply not care to fight this battle. But she’s usually there, silently protesting. Cold-called in class, the Conscientious Objector typically responds with either studied disregard or shell-shocked silence.
The Deserter
Not to be confused with the Conscientious Objector, the Deserter hasn’t been in class since the first week of school. You see him walking near campus and realize you forgot he even existed. The Deserter might have gone rogue, doing his own thing with hornbooks and old outlines. Or he might have given up the fight completely. You’ll probably see the Deserter at Bar Review, though.
(additional credit to Ryan Watzel, Grant Damon, Tom Maher and all my Facebook friends)